How to be persuasive in meetings

Your ability to persuade others is regularly tested in meetings. I always found them puzzling, perhaps because they aren't rational -- and aren't supposed to be.

You would think that simply presenting an interesting idea, and some rationale for it, would be enough. Nope. That's not even the point.

Meetings are social events. They are about power and hierarchy, and sometimes just fooling around. Many meetings are called just to show the people summoned to them that the person calling them has the power to do so. Many meetings are held, because, you know, "we always meeting Monday." I'm sure that behind many meetings is the stifling boredom pervading most offices and cubicles.

More important than any of the PowerPoints tossed around the room is the body language of the tossers and tossees. If you don't know how to spot the alpha, you won't get groomed.

Watch some videos of gorillas or other primates hanging around and interacting. You can learn a lot about human meetings this way.

With all that cynicism as a backdrop, let me share some thoughts from Kathryn Heath, Jill Flynn, and Mary Davis Holt, partners at a consulting firm focused on women’s leadership development. Their article in Harvard Business Review addresses women in meetings, but their understanding of these occasions is what I'm interested in here.

For example:

The premeeting. Our research shows that female executives come to meetings on time. They leave as soon as the last agenda item has been completed, rushing off to the next meeting or heading back to their offices to put out fires. We’ve found that men are more likely to spend time connecting with one another to test their ideas and garner support. They arrive at meetings early in order to get a good seat and chat with colleagues, and they stay afterward to close off the discussion and talk about other issues on their minds.

It's a social event. There's more:

Meetings before the meeting. Women need to get in on what several men described as the “meetings before the meetings,” where much of the real work happens. Participating in these informal advance conversations can help clarify the true purpose of a meeting, making it much easier to take an active part in the conversation. Will the group be asked to make a decision? Confirm a consensus? Establish power? It’s often not apparent in the official agenda.

There's more in the article.  Or you can just watch these executives conduct a meeting here.

They don't hear a single fact you throw at them

Your audience.

Our writing and speaking are usually an attempt to persuade people that something is true or that they ought to do something.

It's harder than we think. We tend to throw facts at our audience, and that's probably the least effective thing we can do.

People don't let facts get in the way of a good belief.

Brendan Nyhan, a professor of political science at Dartmouth, has been looking into this, and what he's learning has relevance for anyone writing in business. Maria Konnikova summarizes in The New Yorker:

If information doesn’t square with someone’s prior beliefs, he discards the beliefs if they’re weak and discards the information if the beliefs are strong. 

Here's a crucial distinction:

When there’s no immediate threat to our understanding of the world, we change our beliefs. It’s when that change contradicts something we’ve long held as important that problems occur.

It's easy to see this in an historical context.

Take astronomy. If someone asked you to explain the relationship between the Earth and the sun, you might say something wrong: perhaps that the sun rotates around the Earth, rising in the east and setting in the west. A friend who understands astronomy may correct you. It’s no big deal; you simply change your belief.

But imagine living in the time of Galileo, when understandings of the Earth-sun relationship were completely different, and when that view was tied closely to ideas of the nature of the world, the self, and religion. What would happen if Galileo tried to correct your belief? The process isn’t nearly as simple. The crucial difference between then and now, of course, is the importance of the misperception.

Think of the controversies today: global warming, vaccination, raw milk, on and on. You won't get very far throwing facts at these issues.

When people feel their sense of self threatened by the outside world, they are strongly motivated to correct the misperception, be it by reasoning away the inconsistency or by modifying their behavior, Konnikova writes. 

To address this one researcher proposes an exercise in self-affirmation: either write down or say aloud positive moments from your past that reaffirm your sense of self and are related to the threat in question. Research suggests that affirmation makes people far more resilient and high performing, be it on an S.A.T., an I.Q. test, or at a book-club meeting.

In this way a person's identity is less threatened by the issue.

It's also possible to approach issues in a neutral way. Why unnecessarily drag identifications into a matter? For example, the danger of smoking isn't Republican or Democratic. So why make it so?

What are the core beliefs of your audience? What are you planning to write or say that might threaten those beliefs? Is it absolutely necessary to go there? Or can you elevate your words to a larger identity that encompasses everyone?

Secrets of the Gettysburg Address

One master studies the other.

Abraham Lincoln was the master of metaphor. We can see this at work in his Gettysburg Address, which is an extended metaphor.

Joe Romm writes:

Extended metaphor is, for me, the most important rhetorical device. This figure is at the heart of some of Lincoln’s greatest speeches and Shakespeare’s greatest plays. Persistent metaphors pump life blood into the Bible, into Jesus’ parables and Psalms.

Romm details its use in Lincoln's famous address.

The speech is only 270 words long -- almost precisely the same length as the “To be or not to be speech.” Lincoln makes it unforgettable using an extended metaphor of birth, death, and resurrection to increase the coherence and impact of his brief remarks.

Lincoln delivers a variety of references to birth from the very beginning, “Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.” He says the civil war is testing whether “any nation so conceived … can long endure.”

Lincoln then moves on to images and words of death, as befits the horrific battlefield in front of him, with phrases such as “a final resting place for those who here gave their lives” and “the brave men, living and dead” and “these honored dead” and “these dead.”

He finally returns to the original metaphor of birth, but with a twist: We must resolve that “this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth.”

Birth, death, rebirth and immortality (“shall not perish”) -- in a place that we will make sacred (“hallow” and “consecrate” and the key repeated word, “dedicate”) -- is a stunning extended metaphor that turns into an biblical allusion of hope for transcendence even during the worst suffering, with the Battle of Gettysburg becoming a symbolic national crucifixion.

No wonder Winston Churchill termed Lincoln’s speech “the ultimate expression of the majesty of Shakespeare’s language.”

Churchill should know -- he, too, was a master of the language. A study of the art of persuasion might very well begin with these two leaders.

How to quickly build rapport with someone

"The Conversation," Arnold Lakhovsky

You're at a conference or a seminar and it's time to connect with people. Ugh.

You're there to sell yourself, of course, but the route to that is counter intuitive. To succeed, you have to focus on the other person.

If  you let the other person sell himself to you he will leave thinking you're the smartest person in the room.

Here are some suggestions on building rapport from Robin Dreeke, author of It’s Not All About Me. Dreeke is the lead instructor at the FBI’s Counterintelligence Training Center in all behavioral and interpersonal skills training.

Hmmm. Shane Parrish breaks it down:

1. Establish time constraints. "The first step in the process of developing great rapport and having great conversations is letting the other person know that there is an end in sight, and it is really close."

2. Smile. Duh. "Adding a slight head tilt shows the other person that you have comfort with them and trust them. Another nonverbal to try and maintain is a slightly lower chin angle." (A high chin makes them feel you're looking down on them.)

3. Don't stand toe to toe. "A slight body angle or blade away from the individual you are engaging will present a much more accommodating nonverbal."

4. Shake hands correctly. "An accommodating handshake is one that matches the strength of the other, and also takes more of a palm up angle."

5. Speak slowly. "Whenever I have a conversation that I believe is important for me to be credible in my content, I purposely slow down the delivery and take pauses for people to absorb the content of what I have just said."

6. Suspend your ego. "Suspending your ego is nothing more complex than putting other individuals’ wants, needs, and perceptions of reality ahead of your own. Most times, when two individuals engage in a conversation, each patiently waits for the other person to be done with whatever story he or she is telling. Then, the other person tells his or her own story, usually on a related topic and often times in an attempt to have a better and more interesting story. Individuals practicing good ego suspension would continue to encourage the other individual to talk about his or her story, neglecting their own need to share what they think is a great story."

7. Listen. "This validation coupled with ego suspension means that you have no story to offer, that you are there simply to hear theirs."

More suggestions at Farnam Street.

Show a little respect, would ya?

“Men are respectable only as they respect.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

How do we show respect for our readers and listeners? Here are three suggestions drawn from my years as an editor at The Reader's Digest, which was read by 100 million people around the world.

1) Never talk down. If you do, your reader will sense it, and your chance to persuade will be lost. People may not have your education, skill or experience, but they aren't stupid. Everyone, including yourself, particularly in the United States, is in the process of becoming something better. They think of themselves as what they envision. Speak to them as they intend to be.

A marketing executive at The Digest once told me that the best customer for our magazines and books was someone with three years of college. This person was eager to complete his or her education. So, high school graduate or eager learner?

I was recently at a big teaching hospital for a routine checkup. I was first seen by the "student." I asked him where he was in his training, and he said he had six more months of medical school. I don't know if that means he is called an "intern." Doesn't matter. This was one smart dude. Do you think he would rather be addressed as a student or as a doctor?

2) Be sincere. After the death of DeWitt Wallace, the founder of The Reader's Digest, they found among his papers notes he'd made to himself. Turns out that if he ran an article entitled "Six Secrets to a Happy Marriage," he'd try those secrets out himself. He didn't fill his magazine with untested junk. 

Today this ersatz advice is everywhere. It's called "content." A good bit of it is got up just to fill pages. It reads like it. It's quite disrespectful of the reader, and the reader knows it at some level. Are you slinging business "content" or offering genuine, helpful ideas?

3) Make it easy. The Reader's Digest was created at a time when writers were paid by the word. More words meant more money. RD made even more money by getting rid of those needless words. At the same time, its editors cleaned up the grammar -- made the passive voice active, and the like -- thus adding to the readability of its articles.

It will take you longer to write succinctly and clearly. But you will be saving the reader time, and you will be making it more likely that he or she will be able to comprehend your brilliance. You will show respect for the reader if you do, and the reader will return it. 

All of this is pretty much what your mother taught you.

I was looking for some inspiration on this topic in Aristotle's Rhetoric, of all things, and ultimately found the following quote among his writings elsewhere. If I'd found it first, I might have avoided writing this post.

“Excellence is never an accident," Aristotle wrote. "It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives -- choice, not chance, determines your destiny.”

What's going on in the brains of your audience

Gentlemen, start your PowerPoints.

Not a whole lot.

They're looking at you or your words, and you've assembled some dazzling arguments for your position, but when you've had your say you're worse off than before.

That's because confirmation bias is firmly in control. Researchers who have studied this know that we don't let mere arguments or evidence upset our deeply held beliefs. In fact, arguments to the contrary tend to make our beliefs stronger.

People are funny.

Is your audience even thinking? Apparently not, Steve Denning writes. He's an author, consultant and knowledge management guru. He refers to a study at Emory University:

Drew Westen and his team at Emory University conducted Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) brain scans on fifteen "strong Republicans" and fifteen "strong Democrats" in the course of the 2004 presidential campaign while they were reviewing blatantly self-contradictory statements by the two candidates, George W. Bush and John Kerry. As we would expect from earlier studies of the confirmation bias, the Democrats found ways to reconcile Kerry’s inconsistencies and became even more strongly Democrat, while the Republicans had no difficulty explaining away George W. Bush’s self-contradictions so as to become even more fervently Republican.

But the fRMI brain scans showed something new. While the participants were considering the inconsistent statements, the part of the brain associated with reasoning revealed no signs of activity at all. "We did not see," said Westen, "any increased activation of the parts of the brain normally engaged during reasoning. What we saw instead was a network of emotion circuits lighting up, including circuits hypothesized to be involved in regulating emotion and circuits known to be involved in resolving conflicts."

But there was something even more startling. 

Once the participants had seen a way to interpret contradictory statements as supporting their original position, the part of the brain involved in reward and pleasure became active, and the conclusion was "massively reinforced . . . with the elimination of negative emotional states and the activation of positive ones."

In the end you'll need to tap into their emotions, and there are ways to do this, which I'll explore in another post.

It's not what they think; it's what they believe

"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. 

It's what you know for sure that just ain't so."

~ Mark Twain

Sometimes people refuse to be persuaded. Deeply held beliefs trump argument and evidence. Brian Klapper, a management consultant, tells the story of a company like this.

The CEO of a large U.S. furniture manufacturer asked me to help him reduce customer fulfillment time from 12 weeks to four weeks. The company was using an automated conveyor belt assembly line, and when the workers were unable to keep up with the pace, they hurriedly removed the pieces from the line and put them on the floor — reminiscent of the candy factory scene from "I Love Lucy." Beside each operator was a large pile of partially assembled furniture. 

I suggested to the CEO that unplugging the line and allowing the workers to set the pace would not only result in faster turnaround, but also significantly higher quality furniture, given that the furniture incurred tremendous damage when moved from the belt to the floor. However, management was not convinced. To demonstrate the effectiveness of our suggestion, we set up a pilot line in an abandoned factory, which we ran for a month. Thru-put was 30% higher, quality reached record levels, and morale was way up. Still, management remained unconvinced, believing that workers must be directed, tightly managed, and never allowed to set their own pace.

This is not uncommon. It's a form of confirmation bias. Psychologists Lee Ross and Craig Anderson write:

Beliefs can survive potent logical or empirical challenges. They can survive and even be bolstered by evidence that most uncommitted observers would agree logically demands some weakening of such beliefs. They can even survive the total destruction of their original evidential bases.

For one who wishes to persuade, then, the first task is to understand what the other person believes. Those beliefs will even determine what the person chooses to read. Don't expect a liberal to read a conservative magazine. Don't expect an executive who is skeptical of management consultants to be eagerly anticipating the next issue of McKinsey Quarterly.

In another post I'll explore how we might deal with confirmation bias.

When your first pitch is a voicemail

Good luck.

You plan and rehearse presentations to groups and to individuals. You think about letters and emails you send. You may think through an important upcoming phone call, even do a bit of role playing.

But how much thought have you given to voicemail?

I confess I have given it a lot. That "leave a message" message even seems to come as a surprise. Yet the odds are your first call to someone will end up in voicemail. Especially someone you don't know well. Someone you're trying to pitch.

Jake Fisher, a principal at Bridges Advertising in Oklahoma City, offers a model message to leave.

(Smiling) Hi, this Jake Fisher with Bridges Advertising. Fay Shapiro mentioned that I should call you about your upcoming outreach campaign. My number is 708-7901. That’s area code 405-708-7901. Talk to you soon. 405-708-7901. Jake Fisher with Bridges Advertising (Hang up)

Fisher was once a disc jockey, and he borrowed some techniques for voice mail from his radio days:

Smile when you talk. Radio listeners can’t see the deejay. But the subtle difference in verbal delivery that comes when the speaker smiles is clearly communicated through the radio speakers. I like to imagine that I have just finished laughing at a funny joke, and I am smiling in the humorous afterglow. So it is with a voicemail message. Smile when you leave a message. Even if you have to fake it, your message will sound more pleasant.

Get right to the hook. When a radio personality turns on the microphone, as the music is fading, the hr or she has only a few fleeting moments in order to hook the listener before finger touches button, and the listener punches out to another radio station. Voicemail messages are similar. You have just a few moments to engage your prospect before finger touches button and your prospect punches out to the next message. The simplest hook in a prospect voicemail is to invoke the name of a mutual acquaintance that is referring you. Of course, this requires that you ask a mutual acquaintance for a referral.

Repeat the important information. Do you ever notice how radio personalities tend to repeat the name of the radio station? They do this so the listener remembers the station name. Until recently, radio ratings (which are tied to revenue) were measured by the unaided recall, by selected radio listeners, of which stations that they listened to. That is why we are used to hearing radio stations constantly identifying themselves. In the case of a voicemail message, the most important part is MY phone number and name. I want the prospect to call me back. They must remember my phone number and who I am. Even in the age of caller ID, I say my number and name three times in a phone message.

Who'd a thunk it? I learn something new everyday.

The 7 things persuasive people do

Kevin Draum in Inc. Magazine:

1. They Are Purposeful

Truly persuasive people understand that most conversations do not require trying to get someone to do or accept something. Aggressive pushers are a turn-off and will put most people on the defensive. It's the person who rarely asks or argues that ultimately gets consideration. Simply put, they pick their battles.

2. They Listen

First, they are listening to assess how receptive you are to their point of view. Second, they are listening for your specific objections, which they know they'll have to resolve. Last, they are listening for moments of agreement so they can capitalize on consensus. Persuasive people already know what they are saying. You can't persuade effectively if you don't know the other side of the argument.

3. They Create a Connection

They will be likeable and look for common ground to help establish emotional bonds and shared objectives. They show empathy for your position and make it known that they are on your side. They manage their impatience and wait for you to give them permission to advocate their approach.

4. They Acknowledge Credibility

They value strong opinions and will make sure that you are entitled to yours. In fact, they will make sure they give you full credit for every argument of yours that has some validity. This makes it harder for you to fully dismiss their point of view.

5. They Offer Satisfaction

Smart persuaders know that they don't have to win every little battle to win the war. They are more than willing to sacrifice when it helps the overall cause. They are ready to find the easiest path to yes. Often that is simply to give you what you want whenever possible. Give ground where you can and hold your ground only where it matters. Choose being successful over being right.

6. They Know When to Shut Up

Wearing people down is not an effective strategy. They carefully support their arguments and check in with questions that will help to close the conversation. Then they step back. The great sales trainer Tom Hopkins still today teaches these decades-old techniques of his mentor J. Douglas Edwards. His most important lesson is "Whenever you ask a closing question, shut up. The first person who speaks, loses."

7. They Know When to Back Away

Urgency and immediacy are often the enemies of real persuasion. It's possible to close a less significant sale through urgency, but deep ideas require time and thought to take root. Great persuaders bring you along in your own time. And they give you the space and time to carefully consider their position. They know that nothing is more powerful than your persuading yourself on their behalf. That almost never occurs in the presence of the persuader.

Talk amongst yourselves

At least he's smiling.

I've attended my share of networking meetings over the years -- for job seekers, budding entrepreneurs, you name it. There's a meeting for everyone.

At some of these occasions people are asked to stand up and introduce themselves to the group. At others, this torture is conducted one on one, usually, at least for me, near the cookie platter.

As I listen to the words that come out of people's mouths, I wonder if they speak this way at home to the kids. "What does daddy do? I'm an energetic, results-oriented professional."

The so-called elevator pitch people share at these meetings often reminds me of the movie "Speed," in which the opening scene features a mad man trying to blow up people trapped in an elevator. There's just a whole lot of tension.

Everyone should have an elevator pitch, whether you're looking for a job (and maybe you should be, know what I mean?) or trying to start a business, or just trying to survive a neighborhood cocktail party.

I'm lucky: I'm a writer. So when people ask what I do, I say, "I'm a writer." The brilliance of this is that it produces the same response every time: "Oh, what do you write?"

That allows me to expound on whatever unfinished project comes to mind.

"I'm a writer" is about as natural as I can be. Too many people, however, think the elevator pitch has to be something expressed in impenetrable bizspeak. "I help startups maximize their social media strategies to grow their customer base..."

That's an example used by Deborah Grayson Riegel, and author and communications advisor, in a piece in Fast Company magazine.

The problem with most elevator pitches is that they get crafted on paper but not adjusted to sound like how a real person speaks. The majority come across as synthetic as an infomercial (“We help startups maximize their social media strategies to grow their customer base…But wait! There’s more!”). It’s one-way delivery system, designed to make a powerful, positive first impression, but listeners tend to feel “pitched at” rather than engaged with.

Ms. Riegel advises people to not speak the way they write and to use common, simple language:

“I help individuals, couples, and families make sound financial plans so that they don’t outlive their money” may read well on a website, but doesn’t sound the way people really talk. When speaking, you might start with, “I’m a financial planner, and I make sure my clients don’t outlive their money.” Much more compelling, genuine and even fun. 

Your organization’s mission statement may talk about serving “the growing population of at-risk adolescents” but most people would say “kids who are at risk” in regular conversation. So say that.

"Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other," Mark Twain said, "so we can have some conversation."

How to gain influence in an organization

Do they look to you?

Everyone competes for power and influence, but only some achieve it. How do they do it? For sure they don't approach it haphazardly.

Three professors who studied chief risk officers at two banks for five years discovered patterns of behavior that are instructive for the rest of us, whether we're on the inside as employees or on the outside as consultants.

The researchers are Anette Mikes, assistant professor at Harvard Business School; Matthew Hall, reader at the London School of Economics; and Yuval Millo, at the University of Leicester.

Effective influencers, they found, do four things:

Trailblazing. They find new opportunities to use their expertise. They cast a wide net to identify and frame issues that top management is not adequately addressing. This gives them a great advantage in the internal competition for key decision makers’ attention. At one of the banks the CRO made a habit of spending one day a week talking to staff deep in the organization, and her team members followed suit.

Toolmaking. The develop and deploy tools that embody and spread their expertise. One CRO came up with tools such as a quarterly risk report, which was presented to the board. Toolmaking was her opportunistic response to a perceived issue that warranted further discussion. For example, noticing that the quarterly risk report was prompting forward-looking questions from the board, her group decided to introduce formal future-oriented reporting practices, which in turn led to more new tools: scenario planning templates and early-warning indicators.

Team building. They use personal interaction to take in others’ expertise and convince people of the relevance of their own. Executives who use toolmaking need to enroll supporters and users. One approach is to co-opt people into collaborating on the creation of the tools, seeking their feedback and incorporating it into the design. One risk management group, for example, gave divisional managers early versions of the scenario planning templates. The managers could then discuss them with their senior staff, provide feedback, and see their own influence on the final templates.

Translating. They help decision makers understand complex content. To remain influential, experts need to help others use their tools and interpret the results. Although the quarterly report of one risk management group produced contained output from complex risk models, the CRO took great care to keep it free of technical jargon. For example, the first three or four pages were dedicated to a self-evident “traffic light” representation of risks. They also worked alongside board members and business managers as they considered the tools and their outputs. 

If they fit the organization's strategy and structure, and if the top leadership can be won over, and if the would-be influencer remains flexible, there seems to be little downside in using these tactics.

The secret life of meetings

Come in. We're just getting started.

For years I was frustrated by business meetings. I had big ideas, you know, but I could never get them the consideration they deserved.

I decided it might have something to do with my timing, so I'd wait for what I imagined to be the right time to introduce my brilliance.

What I failed to understand was the whole context of a meeting. For example, I now suspect that many meetings are called only so that the person who called the meeting can demonstrate to everyone else that he or she has the power to call a meeting.

It's interesting that at Reader's Digest, where I worked for 16 years, the rule under founder Dewitt Wallace was: no meetings. The company published the most successful magazine in history. When others took over after his death, one of the first things they did was build a suite of meeting rooms. Perhaps they were necessary to discuss the two bankruptcies the company has endured.

Here are some other hidden dynamics of meetings. They are from Ron Ashkenas, a management consultant who I suspect has sat through his share of crazy-making meetings.

First, when people show up at meetings, they come with different perspectives. No matter how clear the purpose of the meeting, some attendees will consider it high priority and others will just attend because it's on the calendar; some will have had the time to prepare and others will struggle just to get there on time; some will feel strongly about the topic while others will be happy to go along with whatever everyone else wants to do.  

Second, people have different (often-unconscious) personal agendas. In some companies being part of a meeting is a status symbol, in which some people continue to participate in a project even when they have little to contribute. Meetings might also serve as much-needed social gatherings, particularly in companies where people are highly distributed or travel frequently. There also are times when participants use meetings to score political points.  

Finally, during meetings, people relate differently to leading or being led. Some participants are comfortable letting someone else take the lead, while others will sabotage the leader or become passive aggressive. Similarly, some managers naturally take charge while others will hesitate to exert influence or power.

No wonder nobody would listen to me.

Tell them you want to be president

Escaping a bad elevator pitch.

As an editor at Reader's Digest for 16 years, and a writer at The AP before that, I always perk up when I hear someone suggesting that, with words, less is more.

So I ended up at a job networking meeting listening to Tucker Mays explain how to create a one-sentence job objective. He is an executive coach and co-founder of OptiMarket, a Connecticut firm that helps job seekers get it done.

It is possible to express in one sentence, and I guess one breath, the title of the job you want, the kind of company you want it in, the four skills you have for that job, and how great the company will be if it has the wisdom to hire you. This is the classic elevator pitch, and you need to nail it.

What I want to focus on is this: most people are vague about the kind of job they want, because they don't want to close off any opportunities. In other words, they want to be president, but, heck, they'd settle, right? Wouldn't we all.

Mays says that if you're qualified to be president of a company, go for it. Don't settle. If there are lesser jobs out there, you'll hear about them. But let people know what you really want. When I was hired by The AP in New Orleans, I looked around and announced that I was going to be a feature writer in New York. Soon people just knew that's what I was going to do, and I did.

There's a tactic every used car salesman knows: offer the most expensive item first. Then, reluctantly, settle for something cheaper if the buyer insists. The buyer will feel better that way.

This lesson can be broadly applied. When you're writing at work, you want people to respond to your words. Have you thought about exactly how? Well, now's the time. To get them to react, you have to be specific. You have to focus. You have to spell out what you want them to do. You have to tell them you want to be president.

Mays said one other thing that stuck with me. "You're old enough to know what you want."

Ah. They aren't handing out any more days. Time to go for it. If not now, when?

Choose your words wisely

Many years ago a fellow editor at a magazine was leaving to become the editor in chief of another publication, and he asked me to go with him and become his No. 2.

I declined, telling him my plan for advancement where I was. "Oh they will never let you do that," he said. Not only did they let me do that, they let me do a whole lot more.

But I've never forgotten his words.

Douglas R. Conant has been around the corporate world. He is non-executive chairman of Avon Products and chairman of the Kellogg Executive Leadership Institute. He is a CEO of Campbell Soup Company.

He's had his moments of momentous words, which he has termed "touchpoints," and he writes about them in a Harvard Business Review blog.

Shortly after I graduated, I accepted a job with General Mills. Like many people starting a new job in a new place, I was completely lost in the building. This older man saw me stumbling around and said, "Young man... you look lost. How can I help?" I asked him if he could help me find my way back to the marketing department. He pointed the way and said, "So you work in the marketing department. If there is one thing that I want to leave you with is that you've got to give it all you've got." We then went our separate ways. Ultimately, I saw this man's picture a couple of weeks later and discovered that he was Jim McFarland, the CEO and Chairman of General Mills. Those five words inspired me to lean into my work with greater intensity. I carry them with me today.

The touchpoints weren't all positive.

I was to receive feedback from my boss's boss. In this case, he had written six words down on a piece of paper to be read to me. Those words were, "You should look for another job." This was the first performance review I had received in my life and my boss's boss, whom I thought was a god, just told me to go look for another job. He wasn't inclined to give me the time of the day or the benefit of the doubt. I was devastated and very anxious but ultimately I played through it. 

Of course we give and receive powerful words outside of the workplace.

I persevered through some difficult times as I was starting up my career and I was promoted to Product Manager at General Mills in a very timely way. Within 48 hours of that promotion, I received a call from my wife's grandfather, Mr. R. T. Johnstone. R.T., a man I admired greatly, said, "I'm so proud of you." Those five words of encouragement reminded me that I was not alone on this journey, as difficult as it was. My family was, is and will always be with me. Those words ring in my ears to this day.

The implication for what we say to those who look up to us is obvious. Just remember: they will never let you do that.

Six questions for wannabe thought leaders

I work with several smart management consultants who are writing books to share their genuinely fresh ideas. They have the thoughts, and creating books is seen as the first step in becoming a leader in the marketplace of ideas.

It's not a wrong approach, because in the sausage-making of creating a book their ideas are tested and refined and made presentable.

However, there are some questions a potential thought leader should ask before picking up the pen to undertake a book or a blog or a website.

John Butman, author of Breaking Out: How to Build Influence in a World of Competing Ideas and founder of the content development firm Idea Platforms, Inc., offers some questions you should ask.

What is my purpose? People are driven to go public for all kinds of reasons, from the thirst for fame and fortune to the dream of leading a crusade. Those who gain genuine, long-lasting influence are the ones who want to create positive change for other people. So ask yourself: Why am I doing this? Idea entrepreneur Cesar Millan (he has built quite an empire around his ideas including books, tv shows, DVDs and merchandise) is a dog behavioralist ("the dog whisperer"), but his deeper motive is to reduce maltreatment of animals — and kids — in our society. The more you want to help others, the greater the influence you will have. 

How does my personal narrative convey the idea? For people to respond to an idea, it must evoke emotion. That's why idea entrepreneurs tell personal stories. Gandhi, who I consider a prototypical idea entrepreneur, spoke of being ejected from a first-class train compartment in South Africa because of his skin color. That incident was the genesis of his concept of non-violent resistance. If you can move people with an idea, they will embrace it on a gut level. 

How can people put my idea into practice? Ideas take root when we can use them in our everyday lives. Model the methods yourself and also enable people to adapt them to their own situations. Daniel Kahneman offers a complex theory of thinking but also gives practical guidance on how to make better decisions — as a result his latest book has received a great deal of attention. The more people use an idea, the more they will believe in it. 

Do I have enough supporting material? An idea has to be expressed in different ways for people to understand it as fully as possible, and in their individual way. You need to build out your idea with analysis, stories, facts and data, references, and examples. George Stalk, the strategy expert, has a rule of thumb for accumulation: gather enough material so you can talk about your idea for a full day — and keep your audience interested. The richer the understanding of an idea, the more meaning it will have for people. 

Who do I really want to reach? Surprisingly, many a would-be idea entrepreneur does not know who they want to speak to. Who will be most affected by your idea? Whose thinking and behavior do you most want to affect? Mireille Guiliano, author of French Women Don't Get Fat, wrote her book with the middle-aged, well-educated woman in mind. But she discovered that young mothers, teenage girls, aspiring women executives — even husbands and gay men — also responded to her ideas. The more diverse audiences you can reach, the broader your influence will be. 

How does my idea connect with a greater "thinking journey?" No idea is completely original. Most are improvements on an existing body of thought. All the most successful idea entrepreneurs stand on the shoulders of giants, and usually say so. In fact, it's important you don't try to own your idea. When you give as much of it away as you can, people will be more — not less — likely to credit you.

For some perspective, think of the people you consider genuine thought leaders, and try to answer these questions about them.

So don't believe me

If you wish to persuade others, you must first understand where they are. Do they even know who you are? Do they understand the subject you have an opinion about? Do they speak your language? Do they understand your jargon?

On and on. One important question to ask: what does my listener/reader believe about the topic? You might be able to persuade them with logic, but you'll have a hard time if your viewpoint violates a belief they have or is inconsistent with their everyday knowledge.

This is why people on different sides of the political aisle never get anywhere: each side starts with long-held beliefs that color their perception of arguments. Think about these subjects: climate change, biological evolution, nuclear power, genetically modified crops, exposure to synthetic chemicals, concealed carry of guns, vaccines, video games, fracking, organic foods, and sex education.

It's pretty obvious with these hot button topics that if you or your organization want to persuade people you'll be going up against some strongly held beliefs. But what about more innocuous subjects? What do people think about consultants, automatic subscription renewals, credit cards, borrowing money, charity, customer service, big banks, rebates, and on and on?

This tendency is known as belief bias. This has been studied endlessly. One recent study helps explain the political divide in our country.

Here are three examples:

1. We tend to believe that a good experience is more enjoyable when it follows a bad experience. Not always so.
2. We tend to believe that more choice is better. Research proves otherwise.
3. We believe that new experiences give us more pleasure than things we know. Not always.

You'll run into variations of this. One is "belief perseverance," which occurs when someone clings to a belief despite all the evidence. Another is "confirmation bias," the name for someone finding only evidence that supports his belief.

If nothing else, this might save you from a pointless argument at the dinner table. At best, it may help you craft your next op-ed or speech.

When less is more

Here's a little quirk of the human mind we can use to make our writing and speaking more persuasive.

The best way to understand it is with an example. Suppose you're in a job interview, and you've described your impressive degrees, wide-ranging experience and considerable skills. Then, as an after thought, you add, "And I studied Spanish for two years."

So that will just add a bit more to all your qualifications, right?

Not.

"You've just fallen victim to a phenomenon that psychologists have recently discovered, called the Presenter's Paradox," says Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D., associate director at the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia University Business School. "It's another fascinating example of how our instincts about selling — ourselves, our company, or our products — can be surprisingly bad."

The problem, in a nutshell, is this: We assume when we present someone with a list of our accomplishments (or with a bundle of services or products), that they will see what we're offering additively. If going to Harvard, a prestigious internship, and mad statistical skills are all a "10" on the scale of impressiveness, and two semesters of Spanish is a "2," then we reason that added together, this is a 10 + 10 + 10 + 2, or a "32" in impressiveness. So it makes sense to mention your minimal Spanish skills — they add to the overall picture. More is better. 

Only more is not in fact better to the interviewer (or the client or buyer), because this is not how other people see what we're offering. They don't add up the impressiveness, they average it. They see the Big Picture — looking at the package as a whole, rather than focusing on the individual parts.

More is actually not better, if what you are adding is of lesser quality than the rest of your offerings. Highly favorable or positive things are diminished or diluted in the eye of the beholder when they are presented in the company of only moderately favorable or positive things.

Can you imagine how you  might employ this insight? What about a sales presentation in person or on paper? What about a speech? What about a PowerPoint slide jammed with bullet points?

I think what Halvorson might be saying is that often less is more.

Six principles of persuasion

Is there a science to persuasion? Dr. Robert Cialdini, a professor emeritus of psychology and marketing at Arizona State University, believes so. His research is revealing.

Here are six principles based on his research:

Reciprocity - People tend to return a favor, thus the pervasiveness of free samples in marketing. The good cop/bad cop strategy is also based on this principle. 

Commitment and Consistency - If people commit, orally or in writing, to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment because of establishing that idea or goal as being congruent with their self image. Even if the original incentive or motivation is removed after they have already agreed, they will continue to honor the agreement. 

Social Proof - People will do things that they see other people are doing. For example, in one experiment, one or more confederates would look up into the sky; bystanders would then look up into the sky to see what they were seeing.  

Authority - People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform objectionable acts.  

Liking - People are easily persuaded by other people they like. Cialdini cites the marketing of Tupperware in what might now be called viral marketing. People were more likely to buy if they liked the person selling it to them.  

Scarcity - Perceived scarcity will generate demand. For example, saying offers are available for a "limited time only" encourages sales.

These principles are explained in a video.

Oversimplify your message

"The best way to really enter minds that hate complexity and confusion is to oversimplify your message. The lesson here is not to try to tell your entire story. Just focus on one powerful differentiating idea and drive it into the mind. That sudden hunch, that creative leap of the mind that "sees" in a flash how to solve a problem in a simple way, is something quite different from general intelligence. If there's any trick to finding that simple set of words, it's one of being ruthless about how you edit the story you want to tell. Anything that others could claim just as well as you can, eliminate. Anything that requires a complex analysis to prove, forget. Anything that doesn't fit with your customers' perceptions, avoid." 

-- Jack Trout

How to get anyone to do anything you want

Bruce Kasanoff, author and consultant, and a long-time friend and colleague of mine, has some rules for getting people to do what you want.

He learned these from Dr. Charles Dwyer, his professor at the Wharton School. Here they are:

1) Make sure the other person has the ability to do what you want.
Skip this step, and you will waste a lot of time. The only true obstacle to persuading someone to do something is if they lack the ability to do it. You can’t persuade an out of shape person to run a five-minute mile. If they lack the ability or self-confidence to do what you want, forget it. 

2) Offer a reward.
“If you can finish that project by Tuesday night,” you might tell your intern, “I’ll let you sit in on my meeting with the CEO.” Or, if she doesn’t want to be in high pressure meetings, you might say, “I’ll give you my tickets to the game.” 

3) Guarantee the reward. The greatest prize in the world isn’t worth much if there is little chance you will win it. To persuade someone, you not only have to offer a carrot, but also prove they will get the carrot if they do what you ask. So if you are trying to close a sale, you might say, “If our software doesn’t reduce your costs by at least 10%, we’ll refund your money.”

4) Reduce their costs.
People have a much greater ability to change their reality than most realize… if they are willing to pay the cost. Such costs can include longer hours, harder work or more inconvenience. By reducing the perception – or better yet, the reality – of these costs, you make it easier for others to do what you want. You could tell your high school son, “If you agree to go to practice five days a week, I’ll let you drive to school instead of taking the bus.” 

5) Reduce their risks.
Most people hate to fail. They hate to be embarrassed, or to lose ground. Even if all four conditions listed above are satisfied, people can still resist your request because they perceive it to be too risky – personally – for them. To secure their cooperation, you must reduce their perceived risk. Dr. Dwyer suggests that the best way to get your boss to let you do something is to communicate that if it works they will get all the credit, but if it doesn't, you will take all the blame. That's what will happen anyway, he says, but if you use this tactic at least you will get to do what you want. 

Finally, Dr. Dwyer says that the most effective way to get someone to do something is toask for their help. It works far better than telling someone what to do.

I encourage to watch Dr. Dwyer in this lecture. He's funny and full of insight.